The Driver's Seat

I knew the first time I got behind the steering wheel of my dad's truck that I wasn't a natural driver. I was 14, it was Christmas Day, and I had gone with him to run an errand. There was snow on the ground and no one on the streets when he asked me if I wanted to try driving. I didn't but said yes anyway. I drove for probably 5 minutes then was finished. Didn't want to do it any more. What was the big deal? Driving, schmiving.

I graduated high school and moved away for college, sans automobile. I walked or rode the bus everywhere and enjoyed the freedom of not driving. When I drove with others, I barely paid attention to what was going on in front or behind the car - I looked out the windows at the shops, people, and landscape around me, content - no, thrilled! - to not be in the driver's seat.

Most of my mission, I didn't have a car, just the last few months. I preferred being without one. I loved walking to appointments, sitting next to people on the bus and metro and talking to them about them, me, the gospel, politics (rarely - heated discussions seldom coincide with the presence of the Spirit, a missionary's main goal in life), and didn't mind the occasional sprint to the bus as it was about to leave our stop - it kept me trim...I gained almost 10 lbs when I had a car. Also, winter in Canada = ice storms = slippery roads, which, combined with my inattention while driving = a couple scary moments filled with prayers consisting of ohpleasestop, ohpleasestop, ohpleasestop!

I still dislike driving, even though I'm a professional driver (yeah, it sounds funny to me, too). I'd just rather not if someone else is willing.

And yet, I insist on being in the Driver's Seat all the time.

Without a second thought (usually), I can relinquish my safety and well-being into another's hands when driving in a metal box on wheels traveling at 75+ mph, but I really struggle when it's my Life and the "other" is the all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-loving Master of the Universe, aka God, aka my Heavenly Father. I mean, really. Some of the people I drive with are crazy drivers, especially...well, that doesn't matter. My point is, if I can trust them to get me there and home again without incident, shouldn't I be able to trust Him even more to do the same?

I think it's the planning that gets me. I'm a planner. When I'm driving Bertha and The Beast and going to a destination I've never been to before, I first go to Mapquest to get driving directions, then I turn to my handy-dandy fuel guide that a nice trucker gave me after this incident (please, for my sake, skip over the Shawn details!) that tells me where to find gas stations big enough to hold my rig and, very importantly, that have diesel. I'm able to plan where I'm going to stop all along the way. No surprises. When I drive with people...same thing, no surprises (rarely, that is). I know the route we're taking, no problems whatsoever.

Not so in Life. When I plot my course, things happen that take me somewhere totally different than where I thought I'd be. To be fair, I've generally been quite pleased with where I turn up, which should make me a lot more relaxed, but I'm not. It's not that I don't trust Him, I just want a hint or two about where I'm going and when/where the next stop is. I wouldn't care if I don't get married until I'm 64 (like my great aunt on my dad's side) as long as I knew this and could plan accordingly. Or, if I'm supposed to be the Next Food Network Star, it would be nice to know that I'd better book-it to culinary school!

I have several options for my future but have no clue what's going to happen - if anything! I could go back to school and get my Masters, then on to get my PhD so I can become a professor of Economics. Like I mentioned above, culinary school is another option, the one I'm leaning toward currently. However, neither of these options will happen if I don't figure out something to do with my home (i.e. rent or sell it). Or, I could stay here (and not have to worry about my home) if a) I find a new job, b) I get married (chuckle, chuckle), or c) neither happens, my house doesn't rent or sell, and I have to stay at my current job f-o-r-e-v-e-r. *shudder*

I'm not one that believes that God does all the steering. I doubt He's up there playing a grand game of Chess with all our lives. I believe that He allows us to make big and small decisions that impact our lives and the lives of those around us. I don't think He expects me to always sit in the passenger seat, it's just that I tend to never let Him sit in the Driver's Seat unless He hits me over the head with a 2x4 (which He had to do in order to get me on a mission).

So, with all the uncertainty* about what's going to happen next, I'm going to try harder to let Him steer a little bit. To have a little more faith that He knows where to take me and what stops I need to make to get me where I'll be happiest.

Wish me luck.




*One thing is for certain, though - I'm finally going to France! Woohoo! I fly out of Vegas around 8pm on the 25th of December, arrive in Paris around 6pm on the 26th, and arrive back in Vegas sometime on January 2nd. I'll spend a few days there by myself - I have lots of fun things planned - then will meet up with Cardine on the 30th for the remainder of the time. I'm so absolutely thrilled about this trip that it makes all the uncertainties a little easier to bear. Whew!

Today...

...I feel pretty. This gray skirt makes me feel flirty and feminine.

...I got stuck in my new coat. The zipper refused to go up or down. Eventually I pulled it (the jacket, not the zipper) over my head because claustrophobia was quickly setting in.

...I'm happy to see the sun again.

...my eyeliner tip broke off after I had applied it to one eye. There was none left in the "tube", so I had to MacGyver it enough to get some applied to the other eye.

...I'm going to play my new Wii for an hour. Must get better at tennis.

...I'm recuperating from putting on THREE Pampered Chef parties in less than a week. Whew!

...all I want to do is curl up with my book, a mug of hot chocolate, and a blanket. Right now.

...I'm temporarily forever giving up boys.

...is Thursday.

...I woke up in a really good mood. It had departed by the time I arrived at work. It came back, though.

...while riding my stationary bike, I'll watch my first ever episode of The Office, thanks to my cousins' advice and Netflix.

...is a lazy sort of day.

...I found out I get to be on the radio again in a couple weeks - November 16th, 9:10am, KSUB. If you're in the area that day, give it a listen. Click here to read about the first time I talked on the radio.

...I'm having a good hair day.

...I decided what I want to be when I grow up.

...I finally feel fairly comfortable/confident walking in heels again.

Today is a good day.

Utah State University

I had a great visit to Logan this past weekend. I picked up Shiree on my way, and we arrived at Sarah's house at 10:30pm Friday. Of course, we stayed up way too late talking but it had been awhile so we had a lot to discuss. Saturday we slept in, ate at a Thai restaurant, bought chocolates at the candy store and books at Borders, cooked yummy fajitas, then walked to the USU/SUU football game. We were a little late and had some trouble finding seats but eventually we did. Sarah, a USU student, wore a blue Aggies t-shirt. Shiree, having attended SUU but not really being all that serious about football, wore a cream shirt. I, having graduated from SUU and being a serious fan of the U (whose main color is red and whose rival's main color is blue), wore my only SUU t-shirt. I got it for free at a volleyball game, and yes, it's a volleyball t-shirt, but hey, at least it said SUU on it! Here's a picture of us:

SUU lost. However, I was thrilled that they kept the game close until halfway through the 4th quarter. Prior to the game, I had wondered if I'd be as vocal a fan in a sea of "enemies" as when I'm surrounded by people cheering for my team. I answered that question with a firm YES! I stood up, I whistled, I clapped, I shouted, I made it quite obvious that I was cheering for the visiting team. I've got to give the fans around me their dues - they didn't heckle me or give me a tough time at all. It probably helped that they were winning the entire game, but I'll still give them credit for being good sports. Overall, we had a blast at the game.

Sunday was the Sabbath, so we attended church, rested, and took a drive up Logan Canyon. It was beautiful! Sarah showed us a special spot that was peaceful and lovely. It was a nice, relaxing day.

Monday, before my meeting at USU, I walked around Sarah's neighborhood and up to the university. I could see myself living in Logan and attending the school; I was really impressed with both. So, I was kind of disappointed when I discovered during my meeting that the program wasn't what I wanted. The guy with whom I met talked about the three different Masters I could get, all heavily related to agriculture or natural resources. Yeah, not so much what I'm interested in. During this meeting, I also learned that there are two "branches" of Economics at USU. One is Economics and Finance and is part of the School of Business. The other is Applied Economics and is part of the School of Agriculture. Somehow, I ended up meeting with someone from the latter instead of the former. As I thought about it, I wondered if this guy hadn't fully disclosed what the other department could offer me. He made it sound like every Economics class offered at USU was doused in Agriculture. And he sounded a little bitter about the other "branch".

Back at home, I researched some more online and emailed the Economics and Finance department head. His PhD is in Econometrics and International Economics, two areas that highly interest me, and he earned both his BS and MS at USU. He emailed me back and said the Masters degree he earned is still available and it's more like a 1st year PhD program than a terminal Masters degree. He thinks it would be ideal for what I want to achieve and regretted that we hadn't been able to talk while I was in Logan. Yeah, me, too. Oh well. He told me to call him so we can discuss the program more and I will as soon as I get a spare moment. I'm excited that USU is still a possibility.

Next Up: I've tentatively planned a trip to Vegas for October 16-19 and hope to be able to meet with representatives from the culinary school and UNLV (their Masters program looks interesting). It also looks like my cousins will be able to be there that weekend, so it'll be another two-for-one trip: cousins weekend AND information gathering. I love killing two birds with one stone. Metaphorically, of course, I've never killed even ONE bird with a stone! Or with anything for that matter. I digress - surprise, surprise. Anyhoo, I'll let you know how that trip goes.

Change Is In The Air

Whether it hits me or passes me by remains to be seen, but the potential for changes in my life is certainly present.

I'm not happy at work any more. Fortunately, I'm not mad at my boss like I was; we're actually getting along fairly well. He's changed, though, and that has changed how things are at work. I don't dread going to the office, but I don't look forward to it either. I work hard, but I don't put my heart and soul into the business like I used to. I want to be challenged and to feel like I'm doing something important. I want to love what I do.

So, I have a couple plans that I'm going to look into in the coming weeks.

Plan A is to go back to school and get a Masters of Economics degree at Utah State University in Logan. It would take me a year to finish, then the plan would be to get my PhD and eventually end up as a professor of Economics at a college or university. This is the safe route. I'm pretty sure I'd love being a professor and I already know I love Economics. I also have friends in Logan, which is a nice thing. This plan is also the most time- and money-intensive. I have a meeting with someone from the Graduate Program this coming Monday, the 28th, that will hopefully give me a better idea of what the program entails and whether or not it is what I want.

Plan B is to go to culinary school at the Cordon Bleu Institute in Las Vegas. It would take me a year to finish the program. This path is a little more uncertain. I know I enjoy cooking, but am I chef material? I'm not very creative. However, maybe learning how to cook will bring out a creative side to me that currently lies dormant. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't enjoy working in a mega busy kitchen, but I like the idea of a cute diner/restaurant that is busy enough but not hairy-stressful. A big plus to this plan: my cousin Aly lives in Vegas. I'll be going down to visit the school (and Aly) in October (date yet to be determined). I can totally see myself becoming excited about this idea after touring the kitchens and hearing about all the things I'll get to learn.

I'm not sure which, if either, of these plans I'll go with. I'm really quite happy where I live right now and would totally stay put if I found a new job here in town or if my current one miraculously changed back to being wonderful. However, I can't shake the feeling that something is going to change, something needs to change. I'll keep you posted.

Surrendering

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a very trendy gal.

I wear clothes that are classics - my style has been around since the early part of this millennium, if not longer.

My hair, though it changes length and color regularly, has never been styled like the "Rachel", the duck tail (thankfully!), or any of the other trendy styles throughout time.

I don't watch So You Think You Can Dance, The Office, or American Idol. (Though I've heard all of these shows are impressive. And, I AM trendy enough to watch ANTM!)

I don't have a facebook page or myspace account, nor do I twitter/tweet/whatever.

Blogging is about as trendy as I get, and even it has become pretty passe compared to facebook and twitter.

So, against character, I've gone and made my blog trendy (or at least trendier) by giving it a cute layout. At least, I think it's cute. I'm really into purple lately. I have a purple purse, my two favorite shirts and my favorite skirt are purple, I wear purple eye shadow (but not when wearing the purple shirts - I do understand the art of understatement), and now my blog is purple.

I like it. It isn't too trendy/cutsie. Just enough, in my opinion.

Anyway, happy Friday! I hope you have a great weekend!

Winner!

This morning, hurrying to get ready for work because I got out of bed later than usual, I heard the radio hosts announce they were going to give away tickets to this weekend's rodeo. They were going to "act" out a scene from a movie, and to win you just had to call and say from what movie the scene came. They said the phone number, but I wasn't close enough to my phone and couldn't remember the number by the time I got to my phone. Oh well, I thought, I probably won't know the movie anyway.

Then they started the scene; it was the scene where Princess Leia is being held captive by the Empire and the skinny, oldish bad guy (Gov Tuck???) is trying to get her to tell him the location of the rebel base, she refuses, and they blow up her home planet, Alderan.

I couldn't believe how easy this was and kind of wished I would have been able to call in. They answered a line and no one was there. They gave the phone number again and I hurried to punch in the numbers on my phone.

Busy.

I hit redial.

Busy.

I hit redial again.

"Hello, what's your answer?" It was the male radio host! I was on the radio!

"Star Wars" was my reply.

"Correct!" shouted the female radio host, "You're the winner!"

"Wait a second" said the male, "Which Star Wars movie?"

"Oh honestly" sighed the female, "The Star Wars, that's what they call it!"

"The first one" says I, "Well, not the first one, the fourth one actually, but the one that came out first, so yeah, the first one, I can't remember the other name for it, but the one that came out in 1977."

Stop, Julie! You're totally rambling!

Mercifully, I stopped talking. The female expressed her admiration that I knew the year it came out. I was going to say that it's the year I was born, but was afraid to start down another rambling path, so instead just said thanks.

They asked who I was going to take to the rodeo and my mind blanked, so I said something stupid about not knowing, it depends on who wants it most, or something like that. Stupid!

They told me to hold on and they'd get my info, then a commercial started and the female host asked me my last name (they had asked my first name on air), my address, and my phone number then told me where and when I could pick up the tickets. I picked them up before work.

I've never won anything from the radio before. Honestly, it's something I've never even considered trying - I'm usually too lazy. Today, the stars aligned in my favor and the easiest contest known to mankind (honestly, Star Wars, who doesn't know every line from that movie? *smile*) dropped in my lap and I actually took advantage of the situation. And, luckily enough, I won something that I really enjoy. Rodeos = fun.

So, yeah, now I need to choose someone to go with. I'd really like to go with a certain neighbor of mine, but recent events make me a little timid to ask him. No, I'm not going to go into details. Fortunately, it's been resolved and I'm moving forward, slowly and timidly. Besides, I have tons of awesome people in my life, so there's an abundance of people from whom to choose.

Today is a blessed day. Much better than yesterday.

Woohoo for winning!

Update

In case you're interested, last night was a lot of fun. I knew it would be; he and I have hung out together enough times that I wasn't worried about whether we'd have a good time.

We got to the game a couple minutes late. My fault, I had had a million things to do beforehand and fell behind due to a lengthy conversation with my boss. So, really, it was my boss's fault. *smile* The weather was perfect for watching softball, warm but with a cool breeze. Really, it couldn't have been better.

I warned him that I'm a vocal watcher and proved it when my friend Jeff got up to bat. He laughed when I told him I'm even worse when watching football on tv at home. He said something about him getting to see it firsthand when we watch football together, especially because he's planning on cheering for BYU just because he knows I'm a Utah fan. (Woohoo for future plans!)

The whole thing was really relaxed. We watched the game, cheered for Jeff's team, and chatted about softball, sports, and other things. Not too much though. I may be a talker, but I'm also a sports fan. I like to watch the game! It was a really good balance of both talking and just watching.

Jeff's team won quite easily, and afterward Jeff came over to talk to us. After awhile we were joined by a guy that all of us know and eventually Jeff and I were talking off to one side, quietly. Jeff told me that He is a keeper and that he (Jeff) thinks He likes me because of how He interacts with me. It was really good to see Jeff and talk with him. I really miss him, more than Liz, actually. And, it was helpful to get Jeff's insight into things.

After the game, we went to His place and talked for an hour about sports, religion, and dating before playing a few hands of Double Solitaire (I think is what he called it). I won each time, though just barely the last time. We laughed a lot. I like a guy who makes me laugh and who laughs a lot. It's very attractive. Just as we were finishing the last game, his roommate came home and the three of us played Sorry (we've played it every night for a few nights - I never win - I think that's why they like to play it since I tend to win a lot of other games *smile*). At 11pm, the time I had told them I had to go home because I worked early this morning (a testing job), a few of their friends came over. They all tried to get me to stay longer, but I resisted the temptation and went home.

As much as I'd LOVE for him to ask me out, I'm not holding my breath. I do think he likes me; we have a lot of fun together, he tells me things he says he doesn't tell other people, he compliments me in small ways, he picks up on things about me without me having to point them out, etc. However, he might not like me enough. It's perfectly reasonable to suppose that he likes me a lot as a friend and as nothing more. Or, he might like me more but not enough to be brave enough to ask me out. Or, he may not be in a dating frame of mind. Who knows! And really, it doesn't matter right now.

No matter how he feels, I enjoy spending time with him and really value his friendship. I'm just happy that I've discovered that I can invite him to do things, that he will probably say yes, and that we'll have a great time together and weirdness won't ensue. That was my biggest worry about asking him to the softball game; that he'd realize that I like him, freak out, and poof goes our friendship.

I think my mom's advice from yesterday is perfect and so I'm going to try my best to go with it: be patient. If it ends up happening, awesome. If it doesn't, at least I'll have a really great friend.